This past month has been difficult, to say the least. It all still seems surreal, and I think I've been avoiding talking about it very much because I still wish we could go back and things would be different. And for some reason writing it down seems to make it all the more definite...
I am a planner, I like to plan things out and plan ahead. I don't really like surprises, I prefer to have everything written out in my little planner and on our family calendar at home and unfortunately, I'm not really a "go with the flow" kind of a person. I like to-do lists and schedules and I try to stick to them, it makes me feel in control of things and I like to feel like I'm in control. This is something that is very difficult for me to talk about, because most people don't even know about it, but for some reason I feel like I need to. We had been trying to plan for something...for a while. We had been talking about, praying about and planning for months to hopefully start trying for baby #2 around Bayley's first birthday, expecting that it might take a few months before it would actually happen. Much to our surprise, we got pregnant sooner than we expected and found out in late September that Bayley was going to be a big sister in early June. We were elated! We had prayed for this child, every day, and we began praying even harder once we found out about the baby... everything seemed to be going great, there was not nearly as much morning sickness or other symptoms that had been so constant with Bayley, but we thought that was a blessing - that maybe things were just going to be even easier this time around and we were thankful for that. We were anxiously anticipating our first OB appointment because we knew that it would include an ultrasound and we would get to see our little miracle and that amazing, beautiful sound of the baby's heartbeat that we so desperately longed to hear! I remember that after our first ultrasound with Bayley, how excited I was and I couldn't stop saying "Our baby has a heartbeat!" Well, that morning of our anticipated appointment came, and on the ultrasound, our baby was there, but the sound I had been longing for and dreaming about, the sweet, precious, amazing sound of that tiny heart beating away, was not there... the doctor tried for what seemed like forever to find it, but there was nothing - no flicker, no movement, no heartbeat. All of our joy and anticipation suddenly turned into disbelief, numbness, and extreme heartache. We cried until we felt like we couldn't cry anymore. I was just in disbelief. For days I kept thinking back over the recent weeks, what I had done, what I had eaten and drank, what I could have or should have done differently. Everyone says it's not your fault - I've said that to patients before myself, but it's so hard to not blame yourself for something like that. That baby is completely dependent on you and you can't help but feel guilty when things go wrong even when you know deep down that there is nothing you could have done to change this. You feel so helpless, somewhat empty inside knowing that the child you had been expecting is not going to come. This has been a long few weeks for us, probably the most difficult we've gone through together. There are days where I think I am doing fine and everything is going great, and then there are still moments where I just cry, because it does still hurt. I don't know that that will ever really go away completely. The good news is that it does get better. Through this, I think we have grown to appreciate the blessings that God has given us so much more! Bayley just seems so much more precious and we appreciate her so much more and are even more thankful than before, which I didn't think was possible! God has blessed us with a beautiful, perfect, healthy, wonderful daughter who truly is the light of our lives! He has blessed us with an amazing family who supports and encourages us in so many ways. He blessed us with friends and mothers who have gone through similar things and have provided us with words of encouragement, hugs, cards, and their friendship. He has blessed us with family and friends who are expecting babies in the coming months who are having healthy pregnancies and healthy babies who we are very excited for! We are so grateful for all of these blessings! This has been one of the hardest things we've had to go through - it's very difficult for us to deal with something that is so far out of our control and know that there is nothing we can do to change it. I strongly feel though that for whatever reason, this was part of God's plan for our life. I don't think that God ever wants us to have to go through something like this and deal with that pain, but I do know that God has a plan for all of this and that His plan is unimaginably better than the one that we had been trying to make. I take great comfort in knowing that God is in control and He has a better plan for us. He is taking care of us and will bring us through this and make us stronger as a result. I know that He has great blessings in store for our family, and He has used this experience to teach us so much already. We have learned a lot about ourselves, we have had to rely completely on Him which is something that we sometimes forget to do, we have gained a new appreciation for the amazing daughter He has already given us! Being a parent has given me a whole new appreciation for God's gift of Jesus, because I now know the love a parent has for their child, and I can't imagine ever giving her up for anything, so I therefore have a whole new understanding and appreciation of His sacrifice of His Son for us! So many scriptures have gone through my mind these recent weeks, and I have taken great comfort in those verses and my prayer time with my Father, knowing that He loves me enough to send His Son to die for me, and He is watching over us, our family, our daughter, our future children... I trust that He has great plans for our family and I trust that He will show us those plans in His perfect timing. I like to be in control in most things, but this experience is teaching me more and more to relax and take comfort in knowing that God is in control and His planning and timing is better than anything I could have come up with!
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6
This verse is special to me, it has been ever since Mr. Meredith made us learn it back in high school - it has been on my heart constantly in recent weeks. I am trusting in God, and I know that He is showing me the path He has planned for us - His plans and His timing are always perfect...
